Einzbern Wedding Panic! REAct!
by Jyoohan
Summary: The cast is back but with a crossover from Tsukihime to add even more madness. [Hiatus]
1. Prelude

**Fate-Season's Road**

"**Autumn-Winter Project – 2008-2009"**

"**Because it will probably take that long or more…"**

**Author - Jyoohan**

**Editor - Yuurei-san**

**Original Creators**

**Type-Moon**

~*~*~

**Einzbern Wedding Panic -RE-Act-! **

_A young boy once foolishly tried to make everything in the world rational._

_He picked and sorted all perfectly until 'that' came along._

_No matter how much he reasoned, No matter how much he thought,_

"_It's useless," He said because, "Love is purely irrational!"_

"**Prelude to Madness"**

It was a dark and stormy night as autumn's rain bared its cold blight. The people of the town tightened their coats and straps to escape from the night's chilling trap. A night of creep and--*Plonk!*

(This ain't a Halloween fic!)

Oh, sorry, *ahem*.A flash of lightning illuminated bars of iron, reaching high like prison walls. Another crack of thunder pierced the darkness as pallid fingers traced a cold gate lock. With a nostalgic creak, the iron gates swung open as three hooded figures made haste to the mansion before them. It was smaller than what they were used to, but an even larger mansion accustomed to their tastes would be a bother in this 'urban' town.

After two generous knocks, the door opens as if waiting for its guests.

"Welcome, we have been awaiting your arrival." A pretty red headed maid ushered in the three guests. Expertly, she retrieved their soaking coats without getting a single drop of rain on her spotless apron.

"Oh, you're not half bad." A pair of red eyes did not miss a single detail.

"E-eh? I'm sorry, was there a problem?"

"Sella, we're not here to gauge other people's maids." The proud voice of Illyasviel von Einzbern graced the foyer.

"Forgive me, milady."

"It's fine, but you are?" Ilya turned to the redheaded maid, wearing a western maid uniform.

"Good evening honored guest, my name is Hi—."

"Hisui-chan! Has our guest finally arrived? Oh my, I didn't mean to raise my voice so. Welcome." A merry voice echoed through the mansion. From the east wing, another redhead sprang forth, but she was outlandishly dressed in a kimono under an apron. Sella was too shocked by the second maid's tactless behavior to even sound a complaint.

"Nee-san, is that a—"

"A feather duster, I was doing a little sprucing here and—*CRASH*—there." Kohaku smiled innocently with boundless cheer. Only in Kohaku's hands would a feather duster be even considered a Weapon of Mass Demolition.

"Judging from the sound of it, a fine china vase around 13 lb. fell," Kohaku flinched in obvious guilt. "Where three more were broken at an earlier time." Leysritt finished, making Kohaku shrink away even further into the background.

"Nee-san…" Hisui held an open hand, beckoning for the dangerous feather dusting weapon. With teary eyes, Kohaku surrendered her tool of malevolent destruction.

"Prepare tea for the guest?" Hisui nodded to her sister's proposal before she fretfully left for the kitchen.

"Um… excuse me, but is this a normal thing?" Leysritt asked worriedly.

"Unfortunately, nee-san isn't well suited for cleaning duties within the mansion." Hisui bowed apologetically.

"Then is not it even more dangerous by sending her into a kitchen?" Ilya reasoned.

"No worries need to be shed over nee-san's cooking ability, honored guest. While I overlook the majority of the cleaning duties inside the mansion, nee-san specially handles all of the cooking. If you would follow me, I'll lead you to the sitting room where Akiha-sama awaits." Hisui said with absolute confidence.

Though their worries were far from dispersed, Ilya and her maids followed Hisui while keeping a wary eye out for Kohaku. Opening a pair of double doors, the head of the Tohno house, Tohno Akiha, sat lucidly to greet her guests.

Ilya curtsied with faultless elegance before introducing herself and company. "A pleasant evening to you Tohno-san, my name is Illyasviel von Einzbern, and these are my maids, Sella and Leysritt."

"And a pleasant evening to you as well Einzbern-san. I am Tohno Akiha, and I'm sure you have already met Hisui and Kohaku after hearing your scuffle in the lobby." Akiha resisted the urge to chuckle. "But where are my manners? Please, take a seat."

Seconds after Ilya took her place upon the sofa, a cart rolled out from the kitchen as if on cue. Atop, a set of tea cups filled with auburn liquid billowed steam. Sella and Leysritt's previous impressions were blown away as Kohaku set the saucers and teacups like a well oiled machine. And after a generous amount of tea cakes were placed around the coffee table, Kohaku asked with a courteous bow, "Is there anything else you would like to request, Akiha-sama?"

"No, you've done well Kohaku." And with that, Kohaku took her place behind Akiha along with Hisui, in wait of her mistress's need. Two pair of maids stared each other down. The Tohno maids have a clear upper hand in this silent battlefield with their home field advantage.

"It's nowhere near a castle or anything, but this is a most lovely home you have here Tohno-san. I'm sure life is very peaceful in a town like this." Ilya started small talk whilst enjoying her tea and cakes.

"We've had our fair share of problems like any other city. But forgive me as I must say, I'm sure neither one of us want to waste much time on idle chit-chat."

"True, I'm pleased we can skip right to business then." Ilya took her last sip of tea and her face turned solemn. "I heard that you have an elder brother Tohno-san yet haven't even met the eldest son of the Tohno family."

Akiha visibly flinched. A brief second past before she replied, "I'm sorry to say that my dear elder brother is not home tonight."

"Not home? The weather outside is just dreadful and where else would he be at this late hour or… whom he might be with?" Ilya opined, not missing Akiha's growing anxiety. "Are you feeling alright Tohno-san? You're shivering. I feel a bit of a chill myself. Maybe we can—"

A sudden clap broke Ilya's sentence. "Ah, forgive me Einzbern-sama. I just remembered something very important. Hisui-chan, I remembered a cake I had just baked the other day. Could you get it for us from the kitchen please?" Kohaku clasped her hands as if begging.

"Nee-san, but I… understood. I will bring it right away." As if suddenly remembering, Hisui walked briskly towards the kitchen. Her head drooped oddly. Ilya however had a peevish look in her face, particularly leering at Kohaku.

"Kohaku, it's very impolite to interrupt our guest when she is talking." Akiha scolded, but her grin said otherwise.

"Forgive me Akiha-sama, after remembering I couldn't help myself." Kohaku kindly returned a bright cheery smile of her own, almost too cheery for her own sane good.

"Returning to topic, by the way you talk; you seem very much attached to your elder brother." Ilya's earlier sneer is nowhere to be found.

"Is it strange for a brother and sister to be close?" Akiha raised a suspicious brow. "I'd rather not speak about such a nonsensical topic. It ruins the tea."

"But I've managed to find a bit of information that might interest you, Tohno-san. It seems that a certain house head has been hiding a dirty secret."

"This sounds like a rather bland gossip, but g-go on."

"You love your brother, don't you?"

And with that sudden bomb dropped, a clichéd blast of tea misted the air and found a comfortable home all over Kohaku's form. "Akiha-sama, that reaction was…"

"W-w-what impudence you have to accuse me of such a thing!" Akiha jumped up and shouted with a cherry face.

"You didn't deny it." Akiha suddenly stepped back. "So it is true, don't worry. I have don't have any ill intentions towards you Tohno-san." Ilya giggled with a curly grin.

"Why are you grinning? What are you planning?" Akiha returned to her seat, her calm shattered.

"There's nothing to be worried about, Tohno-sama, for Tohno-sama and milady are as close as kin through rather special circumstance." Leysritt spoke suddenly.

"What do you mean special circumstance?" Kohaku asked while trying to get the tea out of her eyes.

"Yes, do explain." Akiha crossed her arms in disbelief.

"Thanks to special research and PI investigation—"

"You did what?!" Akiha exclaimed but Leysritt continued without interruption.

"—we've found remarkable similarities between milady and Tohno-sama. For example: One, both ladies are from a wealthy and well-established family. Two, both have a brother complex for their elder brother. Three, the said brothers whom are a target of the brother complex are not a blood relative to their younger sisters. These parallels go on and on"

Akiha's mouth gaped open in shock. "You can't be serious. It's like someone deliberately made it that way."

"I'm serious. I don't know the details, but I know your brother was adopted from a lost clan called the 'Nanaya'. And that your brother has been frequently meeting with a certain vampire and church woman."

"Oh, Einzbern-sama has done lots of research!" Kohaku said amazed.

"Quiet Kohaku! So what that you know that I have a brother complex and that nii-san has been meeting with that vile foreigner and church agent. You have no business in my personal affairs!"

"I think you've missed the point Tohno-san. Didn't we say that we're two of a kind?" Ilya stood up as well. "I have a brother complex, too!" She exclaimed proudly. As if heaven's gates opened, a holy light shined upon Ilya's facade, while Akiha looked confused.

"Let me explain Tohno-sama," Sella stepped forward to speak, "In case you had no prior knowledge, milady has her infatuation targeted to a certain monkey back in Fuyuki City."

"Sella, don't speak about my onii-chan like that!" Ilya griped.

"My onii-chan?" Kohaku tried to hide her giggles in vain.

"Milady was conceived between the union of Irisviel von Einzbern and Emiya Kiritsugu. However as a torrent of events passed, Kiritsugu left the Einzbern with unsaid reasons then adopted a child, which he named Emiya Shiro."

It only took a moment before the gears in Akiha's head began to turn and realize the purpose of this most auspicious meeting. "You said you had no ill intensions before. So… what kind of intentions do you have, Einzbern-san?"

"I will humor you this time Tohno-san. I believe that we can accomplish what has never been done before. We are about to shape history. I have the utmost confidence in our… partnership." Ilya extended her hand.

Akiha had to admit, Ilya had that look in her eyes. The eyes that said, 'what I want is what I'll get.' Those were dangerous types; but nonetheless, those were also the types that would get things done. "I believe it's too early to make any permanent bonds Einzbern-san, but I cannot deny that you have me intrigued. For now, I must say that we should get to know each other better."

Taking Ilya's hand, a mild chortle began between the two and grew into a hysterical fit of laughter. Underneath their clean benign words lie sinister plans and plots. A beacon of hope for brocons everywhere as these two little sisters dares to prove the world wrong!

Two particular men felt the strongest chill in their life crawl down their spines, and somewhere in the world, Kokutou Azaka sneezed with a terrible yet fortune tolling hoot.

"Ahem." A cough from Sella returned both ladies back to their senses. Other than a slight flush to their cheeks, no one could have fathomed the powerful aura that had emanated just moments ago, a most nefarious aura it was. Immoral beyond all comprehension!

"And now that brings me to this, Liz!" Ilya signaled her maid and in an instant, a large trunk appeared out of nowhere.

"W-where have you been hiding that?" Akiha wondered where they could have hidden that thing until now.

"This is the solution to our problems, after we… coax him." With a snap of their mistress's finger, Sella and Leysritt unsnapped the trunk's bindings and opened it but nothing came out. After nothing happened for a minute, both ladies took a curious peer inside and almost screamed at the horrors held within. Inside was something that looked akin to a shriveled mummy or zombie.

"What is that thing?! What do you bring inside my house?!" Akiha resisted the urge to hide behind her sofa.

"Maybe transporting him like this wasn't the best idea. But it's his fault for not being cooperative and being incompetent." Ilya squinted her eyes, barely able to recognize this… thing.

"Akiha-sama, I've brought the cake." Hisui voice came from the kitchen. A sweet scent filled the air, the aroma of freshness reaching the nostrils of the shriveled form within the trunk case.

"F-f-fooood!!" The zombie like being jumped out the box like a crazy spider monkey. Bounding off the ceiling and in the blink of an eye, the cake Hisui brought on a silver platter disappeared. Next to a dark corner, the crazed eyes zombie drooled in anticipation as the delicious scent was like euphoria. Without another moments waste, it took a sizable bite out of the whole cake.

"Ah… he ate it." Kohaku half hid her face behind her kimono sleeve.

A soundless minute passed as the unknown house guest crouched in the corner silently, not a single movement after its monstrous bite out of the cake. It seemed very odd to Ilya, but suddenly Akiha asked, "Kohaku, is there something I should know about a certain cake?"

"Oh my, whatever can you mean Akiha-sama?"

"Hisui?" Akiha switched targets, but Hisui avoided her mistress's gaze. "Kohaku…"

"You shouldn't have such a look in your eyes Akiha-sama. You'll get wrinkles."

"K-Kohaku!"

"And my poor Hisui-chan tried her most hardest to make something everyone would enjoy… even if only the smell came out right."

"As I thought, this is has turned for the worst." Akiha said with almost painful eyes.

"Excuse me, but can you please tell me what's going on?" Ilya pouted.

"If we don't help your uninvited guest soon, he may not live long enough to be of use in whatever you're planning Einzbern-san."

"What are you talking about?" Ilya got up and walked towards the crouched zombie. "He's just… KYAAAH?!" The crouched figure was frozen stiff like a stone statue but somehow managed to vomit blood in the process.

_-After a stomach flush and couple minutes later…-_

"I am deeply surprised he lived through that. A normal man would not have made such a quick recovery." Akiha sighed as the uninvited guest gorged himself on Kohaku's gourmet cooking.

"Phew, I'm alive. For a second, I thought I saw a bright light at the end of a tunnel." The humble author sighed in satisfaction whilst patting his full stomach.

"My-my, don't say such ominous things, Mr. Dimensional guest. Its bad luck you know. It could have been a freight train coming your way." Kohaku had a twinkle in her eyes.

"Um… I see." The author shrinked in his chair as Kohaku loomed over him menacingly even though she was doing nothing to be threatening.

"Kohaku, we need him alive… for now." Akiha ordered.

"But of course Akiha-sama. I'll go make the necessary preparations then." Kohaku left the room with an innocent hum, while the author wondered if he was going to leave this mansion alive… and in one piece.

"Um… maybe I should have asked earlier, but where am I?" The author asked.

"Why you're in the Tohno mansion." Turning to the child's voice, the author sprayed tea all over Ilya's form.

"You insolent dog, what have you done to Ilya-sama?!" Sella charged her hand with prana.

"It's the evil loli! Quick, run for your lives!" The author made a dash for the closest door but oddly found his feet not touching the ground. It took him a second to realize he was suspended off the ground thanks to Leysritt's halberd.

"You filthy dog… no, you brainless mongrel." Ilya, drenched in tea, already had her hands around the author's neck, wringing him with all her might… but wasn't exactly strong enough to do anything. But Ilya's pissed off look was enough to scare any author that made some mistakes in the past.

"Calm down Einzbern-san, it's unsightly to see you this way." And Akiha kept her cool composed nature.

"If you had gone through all the bullshit this author put me through, believe me, you would be ready to wring him out to dry!" Ilya raged on trying to crush the author's neck futilely, shaking him like a rag doll.

"S-stop please, I'm getting dizzy."

"Please explain what you mean by… bullshit, Einzbern-san."

"Akiha-sama, you shouldn't use such language. Think of what Shiki-san would say if he ever heard such a vulgar word come out of your mouth!" Kohaku suddenly busted in. The author's eyes noticed a small case in Kohaku's hand and saw something like a menacing aura from the things contained within.

"This brainless mongrel destroyed my chance to take my onii-chan!" Like a switch being flipped, all of Akiha's attention was solely focused on Ilya. "I mean for crying out loud! He writes a story saying that I'll be the heroine for once, yet I'm hardly in the main story! "

"That's horrible!" Akiha glared at the author for his incompetence.

"Even more so, the title had my Family's name it in, and my stupid grandpa got more limelight than me!"

"Did someone call for papa?" Acht suddenly appeared, while Ilya's face turned ghastly white.

There was an uneasy silence until Akiha finally asked, "And you are?" She was starting to get annoyed at all these uninvited guests.

"Please excuse my impolite entrance, I am Ilya-chan's pa-Plah?!" Acht's grandiose proclamation was interrupted as Ilya threw Leysritt's halberd in his face. Unfortunately the blunt part smacked him.

"After all that effort to lose him at the airport and subway, he still managed to follow me." Ilya cried full of sorrow.

"I apologize for the intrusion Akiha-sama, but this man claimed to be the head of the Einzbern house. I did not want to show any disrespect and showed him in." Hisui bowed.

"You… the head of the Einzbern house?" Akiha was dumbstruck.

With a cough to clear his throat, Acht suddenly showed a noble side as he nodded his head before introducing himself, "It's a pleasure to meet you Tohno-san. My name is Jubstacheit von Einzbern. Most call me old man Acht."

"W-well, the pleasure's mine Einzbern-san." Akiha gave her respects, unsure of what's going on anymore.

"Yes, and this is a most opportune moment to formulate another plan. You, young man, come here at once and we shall devise a full proof plan that cannot fail even with reason!" Acht's eyes were bloodshot red as he was pumped full of excitement, but the author was completely clueless as to why he was brought here… and how it was even possible for him to be even existing in this dimension.

"First, we need to find the biggest reception hall we can fi—" With a thundering crash, Acht face-planted the coffee table, but not before Hisui and Kohaku recovered all the food and tea to safety.

"Are you retarted?! The reason why the wedding got crashed was because it took so long with your flair for showing off!" Ilya grinded her grandfather's face into the floor.

"Wait, hold on a second! You already tried to hold a wedding ceremony?!" Akiha exclaimed.

"Yes, it was all going according to plan but a couple of snags hit the net. One thing led to another and just blew up out of proportion." Acht laughed before Ilya nuzzled his face again.

"Yeah, why didn't we just do a normal wedding and could have gone and done with it?! That evil witch is probably raping his body and soul as we speak!" Ilya started biting Acht, and a certain blonde character sneezed as she made a lovey-dovey meal with her sweetheart.

"So wait, this thing you're proposing… does this mean that-that I'll be marrying nii-san?!" Akiha's entire body flushed, her hair flashing vermillion for a brief second. A million lewd yet dreamy thoughts flashed like a wondrous kaleidoscope of delight.

"I mean no disrespect Akiha-sama, but since you are considered siblings among the general public. I don't think a wedding like this will be accepted very well." Hisui crushed the premature dream.

"That's right, the Tohno name is well known and if word got out that a brother and sister were to be engaged. It would be scandalous, and to think that I even relished such a forbidden thought." Akiha ruffled her hair in dissatisfaction.

"Not to worry, aristocrats have nothing to fear from inbreeding among—*Crash*." And again, Acht had his face smashed into the already demolished coffee table.

"Don't listen to him, he's going senile. But your problem is rather simple Tohno-san. All you have to do is reveal your brother's true identity." Ilya said.

"The tabloids would have a field day over this kind of thing!" Akiha screamed.

"But you would have a shiny ring on your finger."

"You… … have a point." Akiha surrendered.

"Oh my, so you're really going to go through with it Akiha-sama?" Kohaku giggled. "Now that both parties are in agreement, there's only one thing left to settle. Isn't there?" She glanced sideways, making the author physically jump. Now all eyes were concentrated on him.

"Yes, a certain someone must make penance lest divine punishment splits him asunder between his legs and up." Ilya's demonic face made the author shudder as he protected his family jewels.

"Now-now, my daughter who holds our magnificent circuits, revenge is a dish best served cold. We must plan this with utmost care as if stroking a kitten." Acht chuckled while many nefarious things were going on behind him.

Kohaku opened her briefcase and began to prepare syringes with mysterious blue-purple liquids. Hisui entered the kitchen for God knows what. And Akiha's eyes flashed vermilion before she said, "As I am in full support of Einzbern-san, you will do well to tread lightly, will you not? Mr. Author-san."

As the camera fades back to a shot of the Tohno mansion braving autumn's storm, not a soul heard a wild scream for help.

**-Prelude Out-**

**~*~*~**

**Author's Notes:**

Yes, I procrastinated. I've been playing too much video game late at night. And I've gotten addicted to some new anime with a near Type-Moon zeal. … … … not a very good time for this author, indeed.

And a final word, as the title said, a prelude to madness… only a prelude.

**Footnotes:**

"**A freight train coming your way."** – The little jab Kohaku made here is actually from a lyric by a band called Metallica. The original goes: "Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel was just a freight train coming your way."


	2. Act 1

**Fate-Season's Road**

"**Autumn-Winter Project – 2008-2009"**

"**Because it will probably take that long or more…"**

**Author - Jyoohan**

**Editor - Yuurei-san**

**Original Creators**

**Type-Moon**

~*~*~

**Einzbern Wedding Panic -RE-Act-!**

**Act 1 - "The Stage has been Set!"**

High above the clouds, an elongated piece of metal defied the laws of nature by imitating a bird, humming without a care just like the inhabitants inside this 350 ton piece of shrapnel. The moon was especially beautiful tonight. The plane was above the clouds, and the world here seemed surreal.

But that's only if someone was peeking out the window. Currently the—ahem—main character was sound asleep, giggling and muttering something akin to, "Onii-chan~" in a very creepy manner. The cute silver haired devil's child known as Illyasviel von Einzbern suddenly woke, finding a certain source of warmth missing.

Rubbing her sleepy eyes, she waved her arms about, searching for naught. "Onii-chan?" She called out weakly but heard no reply. A sudden rush of adrenaline knocked all the sleepiness out of her body, seeing another certain seat empty where a certain blonde once occupied.

'Where, where, where did they go?!' Ilya's mind raced as she stood up on her seat and scanned the airplane's cabin.

"Oh, are you wondering about the two sitting next to you?" A strange yet familiar looking old man said. He looked awfully conspicuous and had an air of high importance.

"Yes-yes, do you know where they went?" Ilya nearly hissed instead of whispering.

"I believe they were headed towards the lavatory. They seemed mighty impatient from the looks of it."

'Impatient?!' Ilya's jaw dropped.

"My-my, kids these days are so shameless, can't even hold it back until they're on the ground."

'Hold it back?!' Ilya's mental image began to flood with explicit thoughts.

"Really, I do hope they don't leave a big mess when they're done."

'M-m-m-mess?!?!' That was the final stroke, something like glass cracked within Ilya's mind. "You ca-a-a-an't!!!" She suddenly shouted at the top of her lungs, running wildly towards the lavatory.

"Onii-chan, I know you're in there!" Ilya began pounding on the door with both fists. "To be doing such filthy things in such a place, don't you have any shame onii-chan?! And more importantly, how can you do such a thing when you have me?!" Ilya wasn't even aware of the embarrassing things she was spouting in her bewildered mental state.

"Come out of there this instant onii-chan, I—… I…" Ilya froze when Shirou suddenly appeared next to her.

"I-Ilya, what are you shouting about?" Shirou nervously asked, as they are in the center of this flight's attention.

"Eh, onii-chan, if you're here then who's?"

On cue, there was a sudden loud slap noise behind the door before a female individual emerged and cried, "Pig!" then returned to her seat. And inside, a male was crying, wondering what the hell was going on.

"Wait… onii-chan is here but… I thought…" Ilya's eyes began to swirl in confusion.

"Shirou… may we please go back to our seats?" Saber groaned with a pale face.

"Sorry Saber. Come on Ilya; let's go back to our seat." Shirou carefully helped Saber back into her place. She looked horrible, making Ilya wonder what happened.

"You see, the food we ate earlier really didn't agree with Saber's stomach, so we had a bit of an emergency. I don't want to say anymore since it's very impolite to a girl if I mention that sort of thing." Shirou scratched his head while his free hand rubbed Saber's belly.

"Shirou… just like that, it feels good." Saber groaned.

"There-there, I'll be sure to fix something up once we land." A smile immediately appeared on Saber's face once hearing that from Shirou.

"Thank you Shirou, you're so good to me."

And once again, this sickening sugar sweet display of affection returns Ilya's disgust. Ever since 'that incident' she's had to endure this kind of humiliation day after day. Even though the whole wedding ceremony was botch, Saber took it to heart and has acted like a happy wife you see in one of those eroge games. However…

"Thank you Shirou, I would much rather eat the food you make." Saber groaned (What Saber really said, the above was Ilya's imagination.)

"I don't think I can make anything for you, but I'm sure we can eat something better than what they have here." Shirou laughed. "But I still can't believe it Saber. It was your first time doing a lottery yet you won the grand prize."

"Hm… is it that amazing? I was trying to get something else though…" Saber looked gloomy as a distant memory replayed itself magically. *Special effect noise that would remind the readers of a time rewind~*

**-Two days ago, Fuyuki City-**

As a flurry of flakes fluttered down from the darkened skies up high, the landscape known as Fuyuki City was covered in a blanket of snow white. It was in the middle of the afternoon, just moments before lunch, yet the city had that winter-esque gloom from the early mornings. But that had no power over the boundless rainbow love rays shooting out from the Emiya residence… figuratively speaking of course.

A pot of beef and potato stew was bubbling steam in the kitchen. A fair skinned hand swirled the contents of the stew with a ladle before taking a quick taste. After a large gulp, the person squealed with delight.

"Shirou, it's good! It came out good!" Saber exclaimed in heartfelt joy. After countless trial and error and lots and lots of patience from Shirou, she has accomplished making an average Japanese staple that can be enjoyed by the average Japanese family.

"Oh, let's see, let's see." Shirou took the ladle and sampled their creation. "Hm, saltiness is good, and the broth is just right, too. Mm, congratulations Saber."

Dreams do come true. Even a thorough bred knight such herself can trade her sword and armor for a pan and apron. This long path was full of slit fingers and littered with bandages, but this feeling Saber felt was worth more than that thorny road. Her efforts were mocked and laughed at, saying it was impossible, but today is the day where her wifely devotion takes fruition!

"The rice is about to boil over Emiya-kun." Rin broke Saber's reverie as another pot was boiling over with scalding foam.

"Wait Saber! Don't use your bare hands!" The kitchen again erupts into chaos. Saber's joy being short lived. With her hands running under cold water, Saber tried not to remember how she broke the rice cooker… again.

"E—eh, Shirou, we're not going to have salad today?" Fujimura-sensei exclaimed.

"What do you mean, we just bought some... huh… what the?" Shirou rustled around through the groceries but couldn't find the salad ingredients. "Did… I forget?" He stared out the kitchen window, hesitant to brave the bitter winter outside.

"Don't worry, I'll accompany you as well Shirou. It was my fault for not supporting you." Saber said with a goddess smile (in Shirou's eyes). She was slowly progressing on the path to happy waifu—er, I mean—wifehood.

"I'm coming, too!" Ilya butted in like a wedge between the couple's budding happiness, but this was all intended beforehand.

Ilya already knew that Saber was practically attached to Shirou by the hip, so a carefully formulated plan of action was devised to split the couple long enough for him to be spirited away, again. Though it was another one of her grandfather's ridiculous ideas, but it sounded crazy enough to work this time… maybe.

Having to side glance with a twitch in her eye, Ilya couldn't wait until they got to the shopping district to commence the plan beginning with: Stage one, relax her guard.

"Hello-hello customers, we have very-very good free samples!" A tall foreigner spoke in horribly accented Japanese. It was bizarre since there was only this tall man standing outside the empty street and even more so…

"Strange, have we met before?" Shirou stared intently. He could have sworn that voice sounded very familiar somewhere, about 14,000 feet in the air somewhere; however…

"Shirou, does he mean free food?" Saber was got at free samples.

"Why of course Saber. Some shops let their patrons try their food for _Free_ to advertise and leave a good impression for future patronage. So you can take as much _Free_ food as you want. It's meant to be given _Freely_ after all." Ilya explained quite eloquently.

"I see. What an ingenious way of marketing. It would be disrespectful if I were to refuse such an offer. So I'll…" Saber reached with both hands…

"No, Saber." Shirou slapped her hands lightly, "You'll spoil your appetite. We'll be eating lunch in no time so let's hurry."

"B-but Shirou… it's _Free_." Saber's eye grew big and ready to burst into tears, striking a nerve in Shirou's heart. It's only a sample so it's not going to be filling, or that's how Shirou train of thought suddenly derailed.

"Okay, I get it, but only one piece and we're sharing." Shirou gave in to Saber's new ability to beg, but the sharing part wasn't planned.

Ilya began to sweat, knowing what lied inside the _Free_ samples. There's enough tranquilizing and paralyzing agent that could probably knock out an elephant for a week. Sure they didn't know if this would even affect a Servant, but this was also a good test for future reference. Wait, that's not the point, if Shirou were to eat that _Free_ sample… surviving a coma or cardiac arrest would be the least of their problems.

"So which one should I—huh, what are you doing?!" Saber screamed as the tray of goodies was suddenly hidden away.

"I-I'm very sorry, but the sampling period has just ended. I apologize again for the inconvenience, so I'll just—argh?!" Saber jumped on the man and began to climb, reaching for the free samples with fire in her eyes.

"Onii-chan, stop her!!" For more reasons than one, Ilya thought.

"Stop Saber, you need to calm down!" Shirou could barely hold Saber back by her arms.

"Come back with my samples, you lying bastard!" Saber screamed and kicked snow at her escaping foe.

Stage one simply failed, and after satiating Saber's rage with a piece of candy, the trio entered the supermarket, where the next plan was already set into motion. The target, a.k.a. Shirou, will be detained at all cost. So, this next plan has been specifically designed to target the 'weaknesses'.

"Hey, onii-chan, since we're here, why don't we buy some fruits?" Ilya began the operation.

"Fruits, huh? What do you have in mind Ilya?" Shirou asked and Ilya pointed at round green balls. "Oh-ho, honeydew melon doesn't sound that bad." Shirou began to tap each one, checking for freshness. Ilya quietly slipped away as Shirou kept tapping until he found one he liked.

"This one seems good, don't you think Ilya…?" Shirou was cut off as another set of melons were ripe in front of him. Retracting his vision, a temptress with an impossibly voluptuous figure took Shirou's hands holding the melon.

That's right, this is his weakness. While Saber may have all the inner beauties of a woman, there are still things man will want and lust after! That plump bosom and rule breaking hips can sway any man, but that's just how Acht thought it works.

"Hm, what is it assistant from the Tohno house? … Funny how do you pronounce your name again? Was it Len or Ren or maybe LRen?" Acht crouched back down behind a row of vegetables to a small blue haired child.

The child held a notepad, scribbled something with a marker, and revealed, 'But what if he's not into those types of things?'

"Huh? What do you mean?"

After a couple more scribbles with a written answer, 'Each man has his own fetish, would he specifically fall for this trick?' A pan fell atop Acht's head as a metaphorical realization of his mistake.

"Rider, what… are you doing?" Shirou was more than a little bemused.

"W-w-who are you talking about?" Rider stuttered, her lavender hair being a dead give away. "I wasn't bribed in any form or fashion." Who was also now the proud new owner of a high-end sports car.

"Rider," A low voice from Saber growled, "What are you doing to my Shirou?" She was eyeing where they were holding hands. A head of cabbage in Saber's hand was easily crushed single handedly. The space literally turned black as anger more akin to jealousy rose inside her… a very new feeling that Saber 'do not like'.

"I guess I should have seen this coming if I thought about it longer, but oh well." Acht sighed while the Tohno assistant, Len or Ren, next to him held her notebook scribbled with a ". . ." above her head.

"Maybe if you go out, you could do something about it. You're a succubus aren't you little one?" Acht suggested, but the assistant from the Tohno house waved her notepad with a scrawled, "NO WAY! I QUIT!" while frantically shaking her head.

"Excuse me, but you're disturbing the other customers so I must ask you to leave." A store clerk nervously announced himself to Acht. A little semi-circle of gossipy housewives were formed behind them.

"Stupid! This isn't working, why did I even think this might have a remote chance to succeed?" Ilya climbed up on Acht's back and began to bite his head.

"Well the situation isn't that simple is it not? We have to somehow separate those two from each other but the chances of that right now are completely non-existent here. Maybe if we can change the setting… a different location…" Acht drawled in contemplation.

"Shirou, I've been wondering for some time but what's that?" Saber tugged at Shirou's sleeve then pointing to a booth with a short line.

"Looks like the market is holding another lottery again, do you want to try Saber?"

"Lottery, it's the first I've ever heard of it."

"It's where you spin this little cage full of balls. And if you get a winning number, you get to take home a prize."

"Oh, so it's almost like gambling. What kinds of prizes are there, Shirou?"

"Well there's some over there on display." Shirou pointed at various things on a raised platform, but Saber's eye zoomed in like telescopic vision into a particular home appliance. A golden halo was surrounding a brand new rice cooker.

"What do you mean a new location?" Ilya groaned, all tucked out of energy. Her grandfather's head was very tough for the jaw muscles.

"I'm just saying, maybe a new change of pace might break this slump." Acht grumbled while rocking his granddaughter back and forth on his back.

"But even if we could change the place, where would we go?" Ilya mumbled before a loud pop drew her and Acht's attention to the lottery booth. Party horns were being blown, and confetti flying in the air, covering both Saber and Shirou.

"Congratulations, you won!" The attendant by the lottery booth rattled a bell excitedly.

"So did I win the rice cooker?!" Saber smiled happily.

"You won the grand prize family trip to Las Vegas in the United States!"

Saber fell to her knees with a dark gloom hanging over her.

"Um… miss?" The once excited attendants looked troubled.

And so that's how the Ilya and company were in their current predicament, flying above the pacific ocean headed towards the City of Sin, Las Vegas… but there were a couple of bumps on the way.

**-Airport Security Checkpoint-**

"Shirou, is there a reason for all this unnecessary caution?" Saber groaned while waiting in line to go past something called a 'metal detector'.

"Of course Saber-chan, there are evil terrorists all over the world who target innocent civilians to propagate their evilness across the planet!" Fujimura Taiga screamed whilst holding her hands out like 'oh my god!'

"Ignore her Saber, Japan isn't in mortal danger like Fuji-nee thinks, but it seems to be a big thing for the west. Let's just enjoy ourselves to our heart's content." Shirou smiled.

"Yes, and even if these so called terrorists appears, I'll beat them up!" Saber balled her fist.

"But onii-chan will protect me, right?" Ilya clung onto Shirou's arm, giving a shrewd look to a bewildered Saber.

"Next!" The security officer called out.

Saber walked through the doorframe without no problem, so did Ilya, and Taiga except—

"Stop!" The guard caught Shirou by the shoulder as the metal detector bleeped in disapproval. The same routine check played out: Empty your pockets, take off your shoes and belt, raise your arms as the guard waved his magic wand around Shirou's body. "Okay, try again."

The machine blared again, much to Shirou's chagrin.

"What in the… that's strange." The said guard now patted Shirou down; searching for whatever foreign material is setting the detector off. "Maybe it's your clothes?"

"Hold on, you want me to take off my clothes?!" Shirou cried.

"It has to be something, and I can't let you pass until we figure out what's making the machine not like you." The guard said obstinately.

"Onii-chan, hurry up and strip before we miss our plane." Ilya said with a blushing face and a nodding Saber as well.

"Don't worry, nee-chan doesn't mind." Taiga supported as well.

"Like hell I would, stupid!" Ilya and Saber were refused.

"This is weird, what could be the pro—" The guard stopped when he waved the wand over Shirou's face. He tried the body, then waved it above the face again and got a positive reaction.

"Hey, kid, did you ever have… ya'know, like an accident somewhere… around here?" The guard tried to hint without being rude.

"Um… I don't have a sheet of metal in my head."

"Tooth fillings maybe? Though the mercury might kill you through the years."

"I don't have such things either, please don't assume so much." Shirou looked tired.

"Really, what a nuisance." A deep voice growled in annoyance, a voice Shirou all too recognized and wondered why that guy was here of all the places.

"Archer?!" Shirou turned to see that cynical Servant but unusually dressed in dark casual clothes. "What are you, a tourist?"

"What'd you say brat?!" Sparks flew between the two Emiya's glare.

"Enough Archer, just tell him what he's doing wrong so we can move on with it." Tohsaka Rin ordered her henpecked Servant.

With a click of his tongue, Archer whispered something to Emiya Shirou despite his reluctance. After a brief nod and a, "Oh…" from Shirou, he walked through machine again but without the annoying bleep noise.

"Shirou, what was the problem?" Saber wondered how it was fixed so easily.

"Ah, well, you see…" Shirou scratched his head, not wanting to say it.

"The amateur doesn't know how to keep his Reality Marble in check." Archer huffed with a sarcastic smile. If it weren't for Rin's order, he would have left him there where he might have gone through some interesting airport security measures, such as a 'cavity check'.

"How would Shirou's Reality Marble set off the dectector?" Saber still argued.

"Swords, Metal?" Archer tapped the side of his head with that mocking grin.

"It's the first time this ever happened. How would I know this kind of stuff might pick it up?" Shirou tried to save face, for Saber's sake as well.

"You can't underestimate technology. Remember, Kiritsugu used technology to defeat the magi in the 4th Grail War. It was the undoing for the magi by underestimating the times they live in." Archer schooled his incapable past self.

"Tch… whipped." Both Shirou and Saber clicked their tongues.

"You want to start something?!"

"Archer, I thought I said that's enough." Rin threw his duffel bag at him, stopping a probably cause of an escalating battlefield within the airport terminal. "Besides, they're just being sore losers."

Though it was only a truth not to be taken positively or negatively, it annoyed the hell out of the amateurish magus and his headstrong Servant.

"Quiet Rin, don't talk like you know how we think!" Saber was back on the offense.

"Oh-ho, should I challenge that?" There was a smirk of delight on Rin's face.

"By the way Rin, what are you doing here?" Ilya ambushed her.

"Oh, Ilya-chan is right." Fujimura-sensei butted in as well, "I don't remember Tohsaka-san being invited, unless you found your own means and are traveling with us?"

"Y-yes, you're exactly right Fujimura-sensei." Rin laughed nervously.

"You're broke aren't you?" Ilya's words were like hot arrows in Rin's chest.

"I guess there's no point in hiding it from Ilya, Rin." Archer sighed, having a feeling someone would find out his Master's true intentions.

"S-so what?! This is a good opportunity to make some money without having to do any decent work and have fun while we're at it. This is not a chance I can let slip by. I need to replenish my supply of gems, but there just isn't enough money to spare… Urgh… it's always money, money, money…!" Rin hissed in frustration at her family's ever present curse.

"Reduced to gambling Rin? Tsk-tsk, if you've run into hard times, I would have gladly been there to help." Ilya smirked cockily.

"Like I would ever let myself be indebted to a twisted bro-con like you." Rin whispered.

"Sh-shut up, you poor pauper! Not like you can talk when you have him at your every beck and call!"

"I don't mean to interrupt Tohsaka-san, or Ilya-chan, but who's that person? Are you traveling together?" Taiga asked like a concerned teacher, staring at Archer warily.

"Huh? Well, h-he is, um…" Rin stuttered, caught off guard. Taiga has never met Archer before.

"He's been living alone with Rin." Saber interjected to Rin's horror.

"For at least the past few months, too." And Ilya too added fuel to the fire.

"L-living alone together you say…? For at least a few months you say...? Such unhealthy…" Fujimura-sensei's head tilted side to side before her eyes turned bright red.

"W-wait a second, Fujimura-sensei, I have a p-perfectly good explanation for this, right Archer? Ah…" Rin hoped to find some support from her back-up, but he was breaking out in a cold sweat as well. It seems Archer is about to be reacquainted with an old family of his.

**-Back to the Present, outside of a very fancy hotel-**

"So why didn't you tell me it was like that?" Taiga slapped Archer on the back three times. "My-my, I didn't know such thing like family arrangements still went on in our day and age. I guess old things like that doesn't die so easily, ha-ha. But to be clear and final, let's hear it one last time."

After a long sigh from both Master and Servant, Rin started out, "It started about ten years ago. My father met with Kiritsugu, who was an acquaintance at that time, and introduced him, Archer. He's part of the Emiya family but I don't know how he and Shirou might be related. Anyways, our parents agreed that we would be engaged around that time."

"It's been almost a decade since then, and it was by chance that I met Rin—I mean—Tohsaka-san a couple months ago again in Fuyuki. I have been doing a lot of traveling through the years. Things happened, we kept running into each other, and I was invited to stay over one night and it sort of just stuck." Archer finished. Rin was blushing ear to ear from embarrassment, while Archer prayed that Taiga would take the bait.

"And nothing illicit has ever occurred, ri~ight, Archer-kun?" Taiga leaned over Archer's head like a guillotine ready to drop.

"O-of course, absolutely nothing, ma'am." Archer grinned timidly.

"Good, now let's get this show on the road!" Taiga shouted and led the way into the hotel lobby.

"I swear. You two will pay for this." Archer scowled with a throbbing vein on his forehead, as Saber and Shirou happily walked right in behind Taiga.

"My-my, isn't that nice, Rin? We got you a fiancé, over night~" Ilya giggled.

"I'll definitely kill you one day you little monster." Rin was glowering, but it only lasted for a moment, "But what are you planning Ilya? Another plan to whisk away your precious 'onii-chan'?"

"P-plan, what do you mean, Rin? Aren't we all here to have fun?" Ilya laughed like it was a joke.

"Is that so… and I'm sure your grandfather disguised as our bus driver has nothing to do with this?"

"What?!" Ilya turned to the bus but realized too late.

"Oh-ho, so there is something going on here." Now it was Rin's turn to giggle.

"R-really Rin, there's no plotting or conspiring. We're all just—" Ilya froze when she saw her grandfather disguised as the bag-boy, rolled along behind Rin, unloaded the luggage out the bus, and carted it back into the hotel so naturally that it was unnatural.

Rin and Archer turned around just when Acht had already disappeared; making them wonder what was going on with Ilya.

"A-a-anyways, let's go check into our rooms first!" And as they entered the richly decorated hotel, a loud burst of laughter echoed within the antechamber.

"Welcome to the Bellagio and especially to you my Saber!" A golden haired man laughed from under the Chihuly glass ceiling.

"Gilgamesh, what are you doing?!" Saber said with dreaded horror.

"If you must know, as soon as I found out you were heading to such a faraway place where you would be without me, I immediately found out where you were to be taking your quarters and purchased this estate just yesterday." The King of Heroes smirked victoriously.

"Shirou, we're finding another place." Saber dragged her master away by the collar.

"W-wait Saber, I already have a grand buffet and dining halls set up for your arrival!" Gilgamesh snapped his fingers, and a line of chefs rolled out with their most prized creations. The daunted Saber hesitated as the smell caught her by the nose.

"That's right Saber, let's not be too hasty and think things over carefully." Gilgamesh had a paper fan, blowing the aroma of the world's greatest delicacies towards her.

"It's okay Saber," Shirou smoothed out his shirt collar, "The lottery you won also included the hotel we would be accommodated in so we don't have much of a choice on where to stay with Fuji-nee and everyone."

"But Shirou…" Saber fidgeted in hesitation.

"Don't worry about Gilgamesh. We're here to have fun so let's just concentrate on having fun." Shirou said optimistically.

"But Shirou… is it alright if I can eat?" There was a bit of saliva trickling out from the corner of Saber's mouth.

"Wait… that's what you were worried about?"

"Ha-ha-ha! Of course Saber, you can eat to your heart's content! Only the finest for the King of Knights I shall serve!" Gilgamesh again snapped his finger, and an army of waiters led the party to the dining hall.

"Rin, if we play along, we might acquire free lodging." Archer whispered to his master.

"Nice thinking, and if we also add the money we could have spent on lodgings, we can add about this much more onto the betting table and…" Rin was already recalculating her math. Archer sighed as he guided his master, who got nothing but mind on the money, towards the dining hall. What tomorrow may bring, Archer didn't want to think about it…

**-See you next month… maybe!-**

Extra note for FF(dot)net people: I had this ready for a while, but completely forgot about this place! Maybe if I get some more reviews, I'd remember more often... *wink-wink*


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